By Dr. Stephanie Bot, C.Psych., Psychoanalyst, Co-Founder Workright
The holiday season is typically characterized as a time of joy, togetherness, and celebration. Sadly, for many, it can also lead to feelings of stress, anxiety, loneliness and conflict. As a psychologist, I frequently work with clients who feel overwhelmed by the pressure to participate in events with family or others they find difficult or triggering. People often measure their holiday experience against the Hallmark version which does not incorporate complicated family dynamics, divorce, or emotional struggles.
If you’re dreading the upcoming season because of family drama, recent grief, or challenges around navigating your family after a divorce, you are far from alone. The holidays can magnify existing tensions, and the pressure to conform to societal expectations of what family gatherings “should” look like can make things feel even more painful.
So, how can you manage these challenges with grace and self-compassion? Here are some strategies for approaching the holiday season in a way that prioritizes your mental and emotional well-being while navigating family drama, loss, divorce, and other stressors.
Acknowledge the Stress, and Give Yourself Permission to Feel
First and foremost, it’s important to recognize that the holidays aren’t always joyful for everyone. If you’re feeling anxious, upset, or stressed about family gatherings or the idea of spending time with loved ones in tense situations, allow yourself to feel those emotions. It’s okay to acknowledge that the holidays bring both good and bad memories and experiences.
If you’re grieving a recent loss, the first holiday season without a loved one can be especially painful. The absence of that person can be felt deeply when you’re surrounded by reminders of family traditions, celebrations, and the expectation of joy. Similarly, if you’ve recently gone through a divorce, there may be grief, sadness, or even anger as you adjust to new family dynamics. Likewise, if you come from a family with a history of dysfunction or unresolved conflict, it can feel impossible to imagine how things could ever be different, especially when everyone is gathered together under one roof.
Give yourself permission to feel those emotions. Grief, sadness, and even frustration are natural responses during this time. The more you allow yourself to fully acknowledge what you’re experiencing, the more you can find ways to cope with those feelings instead of trying to push them away. Remember, your feelings are valid. In AA there’s a saying that you can’t heal what you can’t feel. Awareness and recognition of your feelings may be the first step to working them through.
Set Realistic Expectations
One of the most common sources of stress during the holidays is the expectation that everything will be perfect. Whether it’s the perfect family gathering, the perfect gift, or the perfect holiday atmosphere, these unrealistic expectations can set you up for disappointment.
As much as we may desire harmonious family gatherings, it’s important to accept that family dynamics often involve complex histories and unresolved issues. You don’t need to try to force everything to go perfectly. Instead, set realistic expectations for yourself and your family. This may mean deciding ahead of time to limit the number of events or interactions you engage in. Or, it may mean adjusting your ideal vision of a “perfect holiday” to one that is more rooted in self-care and emotional health.
You don’t have to attend every family gathering, nor do you need to stay for the whole event if it feels overwhelming. Choose what you can handle and honour your needs and well-being even if it may mean disappointing others.
Create Boundaries and Communicate Them Clearly
One of the most important tools for managing family drama or dealing with the stress of navigating a divorce is setting clear, healthy boundaries. Whether it’s an ex-spouse, a difficult family member, or even well-meaning relatives who push your buttons, boundaries are essential for preserving your mental and emotional well-being.
Before the holidays, take some time to identify where your boundaries lie. Do you need space during certain times of the day? Do you need to limit how much time you spend with certain family members? Are there certain topics of conversation (such as your divorce, sensitive family issues, or your recent loss) that you prefer not to discuss?
Once you’ve identified your boundaries, communicate them respectfully but firmly. You don’t owe anyone an explanation for why you need space or need to leave early. A simple, “I’m going to need to leave by 8 PM to rest up for tomorrow,” or “I’d like to avoid discussing X today, if that’s okay,” can go a long way in setting a tone of respect for your needs.
If you anticipate family conflict, consider talking with your family or co-parents in advance about what behavior is acceptable. Setting those expectations early can help prevent blow-ups later.
Focus on Self-Care and Recharge Regularly
The holidays can be emotionally and physically draining, especially when you’re managing difficult family situations or grieving a loss. Self-care isn’t a luxury—it’s a necessity. Make sure to carve out time for yourself during this busy season, whether that means taking a walk, reading a book, meditating, or even taking a nap.
If you’re grieving, be especially mindful of the need for self-care. Grief can be exhausting, both physically and emotionally, so take time to reconnect with yourself and recharge. Even small moments of solitude can help you feel more grounded and capable of dealing with the challenges that arise.
If you’re co-parenting or navigating a family with many moving parts, make sure to create moments of balance. You don’t need to please everyone or do everything. Instead, give yourself permission to say “no” when you need to.
Remember: you are not a “bad person” for prioritizing yourself. It’s not selfish to take care of your mental health; in fact, it allows you to show up more fully for others.
Focus on What You Can Control
While you can’t control other people’s actions or reactions, you can control how you respond. If you’re worried about family drama, the emotional fallout from a divorce, or the intensity of your grief, try to focus on what you can control in the moment.
If a conflict arises, take a breath and assess whether it’s worth engaging in the disagreement or if it might be best to take a step back. Sometimes, simply disengaging from a stressful conversation or stepping outside for a few minutes can diffuse tension and help you regain your composure.
Additionally, remember that you are allowed to walk away from situations that make you feel unsafe or emotionally drained. This could mean leaving a gathering early, changing the subject when things get uncomfortable, or excusing yourself when you feel overwhelmed.
If you’re grieving, you may need to give yourself permission to opt out of certain activities or celebrations. It’s okay to acknowledge that this holiday season may look different and to make choices that honor your grief process.
Find Small Moments of Joy
Even if family dynamics are challenging or you’re grieving a loss, try to find moments of joy throughout the season. Whether it’s savoring a warm cup of tea, watching a favorite holiday movie, or spending time with people who uplift and support you, it’s important to nurture moments that bring peace and happiness.
The holidays are often about finding meaning in the little things. Even small moments of connection—whether it’s a smile from a loved one, a quiet moment of reflection, or a simple tradition you hold dear—can help ground you in the present and remind you of what truly matters.
If you’re grieving, consider finding new ways to honor the memory of your loved one. You might light a candle in their memory, share a story that brings their spirit into the room, or carry on a tradition that was meaningful to them. These moments of remembrance can offer comfort and allow you to grieve while still participating in the season. If others present are sharing your grief this can be helpful to them as well and create a point of connection around the loss and the memories.
The holidays don’t have to be a time of overwhelming stress. By setting realistic expectations, communicating boundaries, prioritizing self-care, and seeking support when needed, you can navigate the season with more peace and confidence. Remember that you are not alone in facing these challenges, and it’s okay to adjust the holiday experience to fit your needs and reality.
Above all, give yourself the grace to have a holiday season that honors you—whatever that looks like. You deserve it.